She wants to fill her heart and her life with those emotions. She wants to learn and open her heart to welcome them. While she thinks about it, fear cripples her each time. Doubt even discourages her. She realized that she might have been too broken that she doesn't want to go through it again. She admits that even until now, she really finds it hard to trust people; may it be a friend or someone more than friends. She might end up hurting herself again. She just can't trust a mere word or a kind gesture anymore. In the back of her head, everything will just bring her disappointments if she holds on to it.
However, she just feels lonely most of the time. She has felt and proven many times that no one seems interested to listen to anything she would really mean to say or share. Every time she starts or segues it to be about herself, no one pays attention or dares to attentively listen. It happens when she is about to open up either about her happiness or loneliness. No one could even notice that she doesn't wear that smile anymore, that she even seldom smiles.
Yet, in her heart, a tiny hope still exist. Hope that one day, while she is still in this world, she would find the greatest joy. The joy that could understand everything about her. That one which could make her feel worthy in the midst of her unworthiness, that moment which she could hold onto.